Elma Dandić, Blagaj, Bosnia & Herzegovina
Transgenerational Trauma
Author: Elma Dandić
Seventeen years ago, my husband and I relocated from Sarajevo to Blagaj due to his job. At that time, I was pregnant with our daughter. Adjusting to the lifestyle in Blagaj proved to be quite challenging for us. The local community had a predominantly rural mentality, which differed from our accustomed urban environment. Furthermore, we encountered various difficulties during that period. Basic amenities such as regular bus lines, pharmacies, and ATMs were not available in Blagaj. However, reflecting on the past and present, it is evident that Blagaj has undergone substantial development and has become more urban.
When we first arrived in Blagaj, we approached the experience with optimism and an open mind. Given my husband’s job, which involved regular interactions with people, we actively sought to build connections within the community. However, Blagaj is a tightly-knit community deeply rooted in tradition, and its residents take great pride in their local identity. While this can be seen as both positive and negative, it does create barriers for outsiders who wish to live and work in Blagaj. As a result, regardless of our background or reasons for being there, we were often labelled as “outsiders” simply because we came from elsewhere.
There was a prolonged endeavour to engage in dialogue with the school staff. They remained united and consistently conveyed the message that something was amiss with both me and my child, depicting my daughter as excessively sensitive and spoiled. We took all aspects into consideration, maintained openness to dialogue, and made efforts to address the problem together. Unfortunately, during that time, the teaching staff also failed to recognize the occurrence of peer bullying. In general, the entire social community in Bosnia and Herzegovina disregarded the existence of peer bullying, particularly when it involved emotional abuse, which is less visible and harder to identify. The violence persisted persistently and intensely for the initial five years. Although it slightly subsided when she progressed to a higher grade, the feeling of not belonging affected not only our daughter but also us as parents, leaving us feeling powerless. It was a profoundly bitter experience for our entire family.
The problem continued until a boy in Sarajevo tragically took his own life as a consequence of peer bullying. Only then did attention shift towards the issue of peer bullying in Bosnia and Herzegovina, prompting all schools to conduct surveys on the matter. By the decision of the cantonal Ministry of Education, Blagaj Elementary School, along with other schools in the region, conducted an anonymous survey on peer bullying. Somehow, my daughter gathered the strength to complete the detailed questionnaire. However, when she filled out the survey, describing the challenges she faced and identifying the children involved in the violence, her teacher singled her out and read her test aloud, asking, “Does this happen to you?” This was highly unprofessional, considering the entire survey was intended to be anonymous. The following morning, those children told my daughter, “We forgive you for betraying us.” I couldn’t help but wonder about the kind of conversations those children had with their parents that led them to perceive my daughter’s actions as betrayal.
I worked extensively with my daughter, as did other psychotherapists, in an effort to overcome the problem without significant results for her. Unfortunately, as a psychotherapist today, I can acknowledge that no one at that time suggested that a person experiencing peer bullying in the classroom should be removed from that class. Now I realize the mistake we made by focusing on our daughter’s “adaptation” and not removing her from the class. It is something that remains as a personal regret because had I done so, I would have prevented the consequences she is facing. This is highly emotional for me, and each time the story of our case is brought up, it deeply unsettles me. I feel incredibly powerless in the face of a system composed of parents, the teacher, and the principal. They all showed little interest in recognizing it as a problem. Unfortunately, I never had a conversation with those parents because the teacher never wanted to organize joint meetings. Everyone acted as silent observers, and I felt labelled. The impression left by parents in Blagaj is that they raise their children out of fear or self-interest. We felt like we were left to fend for ourselves, but we made an effort to empower ourselves and our child and to work on ourselves.
Parents do not consciously raise their children to hate others, but rather unconsciously. However, they must understand that they are responsible for it and seek psychological support and advice because here we have transgenerational trauma, which leads to various beliefs and often conflicts within ourselves. The truth is difficult, and although we are wounded and in pain, we must work on ourselves because we are responsible for our actions, which have an impact on our children.